More Depressing stuff

I just realized something today.
My sanity is falling apart.
I don't know what to believe.
I don't know what I want, but I know I don't want anyone to love me.
I don't want to be touched. Isn't that weird? I'd rather watch other people fall in love than let myself like the idea of someone that I like start to fall for me.
I think it's impossible for anyone to fall for me... but I'm a teenager, and I'm just whining. I have a long way to go

Mind me.

Typing feels better than writing.

I noticed that love gets me overwhelmed. When I think about it I’ll start to get sad. That might happen for everyone, but I just get worried. Fuck, I can’t stand looking at myself. All I talk about is me, me, me and how fucking pathetic I am. I’d like to erase that face in the mirror or just make it bleed. Make me bleed. Choke me with pills. Being in high school or with someone else I’m so far away from myself. I’m funny. I laugh a lot. I smile. I joke around. But it just shuts off right when I’m by myself. I’m angry and ashamed for nothing I guess. Every so often everything just looks like a routine. I fucking hate everyone.

These judgmental assholes

These judgemental assholes don't know shit. Goddamn I fucking hate art class. No matter what you say, "i dont judge people i dont know." BULL-FUCKING-SHIT. You goddamn liar. Everyone judges everyone. No matter what. If you don't judge on the outside then you definitely fucking judge on the inside. People can be such disgusting fuckers. Tate was right. This world is sick and it is a goddamn horror show.
  Today someone asked me if I've been doing anything in this class because all they've seen me do is text, write, and read..... Motherfucker who do you think you are?! I actually can't believe you have the audacity to stop what you're doing to ask me something so fucking ridculous. One thing, mind your own business.

Listening to the Mercury Program...

It actually snowed! Everyone wanted it to snow during the week but I don't mind. I wish Operation Repo was on. That's the only thing that is missing right now. I just did yoga and it felt amazing. Then I meditated after and did not enjoy having my parents walk in 3 times interuppting my me time. But whatever I still feel amazingly chill.

Panic Attack

I've never had a panic attack before, but I had my first two today in school.
It was so scary. My first one happened in class while I was taking a test. It was completely quiet until I heard this huge bang. I immediately thought the school got shot up. Then I started worrying, I felt a shiver run through me of panic and then I calmed down.
The second one happened during our pep rally, I'll be completely honest here.
I was scared that I'd be siting up there on the bleachers without my best friend. I felt like I was going to die or kill myself right there. All of the sudden i have these goosebumps and I can't breathe anymore. I start to hyperventilate and I felt very faint. I felt like I was going to either pass out or throw up.
I tried hard to focus hard on something else but it wasn't working. Luckily my best friend showed up and I calmed down... I was so scared.

Sitting in art...

Thinking about the girl who's in the same classroom who also cuts herself. She seems popular or well-known. I still kind of want to talk to her about it. My art techer is talking about printing and stuff. But I don't want to do that I just want to do what I do best, photography and writing. This class is somewhat disappointing. I thought we were going to learn how to draw people and stuff not just CREATE. Such a simple instruction is such a complicated process. Wish me luck!

Snow?

Wow, it actually snowed today. For a pretty long time too. It even stuck to the ground! It's melting right now though, which means school tomorrow. I hate school so much. All of it is such a waste of time and energy. It's just going to set all of us up for working in cubicles and taking orders and becoming coffee monkeys. You bet your ass I'm not excited for any of that bullshit. I hope Olivia will be at school tomorrow. I hate sitting alone at lunch. It's awkward and weird. I actually hate peprallys too. They are just noise. Fuck school. Fuck all the teachers too.

Studying for me

I'm actaully doing it! I'm studying! I feel so proud of myself. Even if I still fail that test tomorrow I'll know that I actaully tried my best.
I have a headache. I'm also super tired. I kinda wish I had a dictionary in my brain. Wouldn't that be cool? To know all of the words in the world. I want to expand mt vocabulary so when I write I can describe things way better than I do now. I can never find the right words. Well anyway it hasnt snowed at all this season. Im very disappointed in mother nature. What are you trying to do? Keep us in school?
The only time it snowed was in the midde of October which was pretty awkward and uncalled for. Honestly I think its way to cold outside to snow. My mom always says the sky needs a little moisture in the air and the snow with come... or hail. I wish it would rain so then the roads would freeze up and then we wouldnt have any school. Thatd be nice.
Goodnight. Hopefully I can get rid of this stupid headache.

Happy New Year assholes!

Oh yss another year of depression and school. Well I actuzlly think that I can get over my hate for school. It'll be sort of a blind quiet behind the bushes hate. Basically I couldn't even give two shits about anyone in my school. Except for Olivia and some other good friends. I know that I sound a bit heartless but if no one in thats school even cares about me then why should i care? Isnt that how the world works anyway? Through fairness? A dog-eat-dog world or an eye for an eye, bullshit like that.
Am I glad to be back in school? You've got be kidding me with that question.
High school sucks. Is that the teenage rebellious statement you want me to make? Well bam there it is. I think I'm going to stop trying to be what people want me to be. I hate that feeling like I'm at a beauty contest or fashion runway. Why can't I just dress the way I want without having society create me for me. I mean come on.... would it really hurt to do what's best for me? I should start studying too. My grades aren't really doing good. And I have NO reason to not have good grades.