Only me.

Mind me.

2012-01-31T15:30:00.001-08:00

Typing feels better than writing.

I noticed that love gets me overwhelmed. When I think about it I’ll start to get sad. That might happen for everyone, but I just get worried. Fuck, I can’t stand looking at myself. All I talk about is me, me, me and how fucking pathetic I am. I’d like to erase that face in the mirror or just make it bleed. Make me bleed. Choke me with pills. Being in high school or with someone else I’m so far away from myself. I’m funny. I laugh a lot. I smile. I joke around. But it just shuts off right when I’m by myself. I’m angry and ashamed for nothing I guess. Every so often everything just looks like a routine. I fucking hate everyone.

These judgmental assholes

2012-01-27T09:20:00.001-08:00

These judgemental assholes don't know shit. Goddamn I fucking hate art class. No matter what you say, "i dont judge people i dont know." BULL-FUCKING-SHIT. You goddamn liar. Everyone judges everyone. No matter what. If you don't judge on the outside then you definitely fucking judge on the inside. People can be such disgusting fuckers. Tate was right. This world is sick and it is a goddamn horror show.
Today someone asked me if I've been doing anything in this class because all they've seen me do is text, write, and read..... Motherfucker who do you think you are?! I actually can't believe you have the audacity to stop what you're doing to ask me something so fucking ridculous. One thing, mind your own business.

Listening to the Mercury Program...

2012-01-21T14:44:00.000-08:00

It actually snowed! Everyone wanted it to snow during the week but I don't mind. I wish Operation Repo was on. That's the only thing that is missing right now. I just did yoga and it felt amazing. Then I meditated after and did not enjoy having my parents walk in 3 times interuppting my me time. But whatever I still feel amazingly chill.

Panic Attack

2012-01-13T20:09:00.000-08:00

I've never had a panic attack before, but I had my first two today in school.
It was so scary. My first one happened in class while I was taking a test. It was completely quiet until I heard this huge bang. I immediately thought the school got shot up. Then I started worrying, I felt a shiver run through me of panic and then I calmed down.
The second one happened during our pep rally, I'll be completely honest here.
I was scared that I'd be siting up there on the bleachers without my best friend. I felt like I was going to die or kill myself right there. All of the sudden i have these goosebumps and I can't breathe anymore. I start to hyperventilate and I felt very faint. I felt like I was going to either pass out or throw up.
I tried hard to focus hard on something else but it wasn't working. Luckily my best friend showed up and I calmed down... I was so scared.

Sitting in art...

2012-01-10T08:15:00.001-08:00

Thinking about the girl who's in the same classroom who also cuts herself. She seems popular or well-known. I still kind of want to talk to her about it. My art techer is talking about printing and stuff. But I don't want to do that I just want to do what I do best, photography and writing. This class is somewhat disappointing. I thought we were going to learn how to draw people and stuff not just CREATE. Such a simple instruction is such a complicated process. Wish me luck!

Snow?

2012-01-09T19:41:00.001-08:00

Wow, it actually snowed today. For a pretty long time too. It even stuck to the ground! It's melting right now though, which means school tomorrow. I hate school so much. All of it is such a waste of time and energy. It's just going to set all of us up for working in cubicles and taking orders and becoming coffee monkeys. You bet your ass I'm not excited for any of that bullshit. I hope Olivia will be at school tomorrow. I hate sitting alone at lunch. It's awkward and weird. I actually hate peprallys too. They are just noise. Fuck school. Fuck all the teachers too.

Studying for me

2012-01-05T20:18:00.000-08:00

I'm actaully doing it! I'm studying! I feel so proud of myself. Even if I still fail that test tomorrow I'll know that I actaully tried my best.
I have a headache. I'm also super tired. I kinda wish I had a dictionary in my brain. Wouldn't that be cool? To know all of the words in the world. I want to expand mt vocabulary so when I write I can describe things way better than I do now. I can never find the right words. Well anyway it hasnt snowed at all this season. Im very disappointed in mother nature. What are you trying to do? Keep us in school?
The only time it snowed was in the midde of October which was pretty awkward and uncalled for. Honestly I think its way to cold outside to snow. My mom always says the sky needs a little moisture in the air and the snow with come... or hail. I wish it would rain so then the roads would freeze up and then we wouldnt have any school. Thatd be nice.
Goodnight. Hopefully I can get rid of this stupid headache.

Happy New Year assholes!

2012-01-03T19:38:00.000-08:00

Oh yss another year of depression and school. Well I actuzlly think that I can get over my hate for school. It'll be sort of a blind quiet behind the bushes hate. Basically I couldn't even give two shits about anyone in my school. Except for Olivia and some other good friends. I know that I sound a bit heartless but if no one in thats school even cares about me then why should i care? Isnt that how the world works anyway? Through fairness? A dog-eat-dog world or an eye for an eye, bullshit like that.
Am I glad to be back in school? You've got be kidding me with that question.
High school sucks. Is that the teenage rebellious statement you want me to make? Well bam there it is. I think I'm going to stop trying to be what people want me to be. I hate that feeling like I'm at a beauty contest or fashion runway. Why can't I just dress the way I want without having society create me for me. I mean come on.... would it really hurt to do what's best for me? I should start studying too. My grades aren't really doing good. And I have NO reason to not have good grades.

!Happy Holidays!

2011-12-26T11:59:00.000-08:00

Well Xmas is over..
I'm kind of disappointed because now I don't have anything to look forward to.
When I go back to school everything will probably just be as it was before.
Me walking with friends but feeling totally alone in my head.
Oh well. I should just deal with it and get on with the rest of school.
I should stop searching and start getting on task.
Anyway, I finally got a new phone! It's an android with a pink cover. :)

Triggers.

2011-12-20T17:50:00.001-08:00

Pictures of self-harming make me want to cut. I physically get shivers when I look at pictures. It just looks so good. I don't have any blades so I can't really make a good clean cut.

Too much for one girl

2011-12-17T19:05:00.000-08:00

Sorry I was just thinking about if I ever had a really hot boyfriend. I'd probably be stressed out.
Anyway, something I've realized this week,
I need to stop thinking so much. I'm always stressing about what I will become when I'm older. What will happen to me. Who will I be.
I need to just stop and just go with the flow. Life moves so fast that I'm not able to see anything.
AND I definitely should stop thinking about guys. Maybe that's why I don't have one.
I'm always fantasizing and dreaming about guys. I should just SHUT IT DOWN and pay attention to school. Seriously, I need to get it together. C's suck ass.

Yay

2011-12-13T17:05:00.000-08:00

New York was a fun time.
And my family got exactly what they wanted, my big sister Erika.
And thats me down there by the way.

Tomorrow is coming

2011-12-09T19:22:00.000-08:00

It's official.
I'm obsessed with, Evan Peters.
He just makes me feel all goofy inside.
This celebrity crush probably end once the AHS season ends. :/
Tomorrow I'm going to New York for my big sister's graduation.
I'm actually really excited, but for my own reasons.
I wish her and her boyfriend were still together, I actually miss him. She'd probably be pissed if I told her that. It was her boyfriend and how they end their relationship was shitty.
I'm just excited to take pictures of everything. :)

Scared

2011-12-03T17:58:00.000-08:00

This weekend I'll be going up to Ithaca for my big sister's graduation.
I'm excited but scared.
I don't wanna get too excited or something bad might happen.
For some reason I'm starting to get into karma's way. I hate it, i have to be careful with what I do, what I say, what I think. It sucks. It's like walking in a street full of potholes with a blind fold on.
I also set up my Yule altar today <3

Lately...

2011-11-26T19:48:00.001-08:00

I've been thinking about death and how beautiful it is...
I wonder if it's like falling asleep and enter your dreams forever.

Wow, this morning's dream was amazing.

2011-11-25T07:46:00.000-08:00

I had a dream about Evan Peters,
So what happened was I was in this school and I went to my class and sat down, some more kids came in along with Evan (that's his name) and he sat down next to me. And we started talking and stuff for a few days, then when we would go places with our school, I guess they were like little walks around the town.. and lol Iggy Pop was our teacher, yeah that old rockstar hahaha. So anyway, when we would take walks and stuff I would walk with him and yeah. :) And then one day when we got back from our walk he left somewhere and i had to go into the school by myself, and i was pissed because now I had to go do work and stuff. But when I walked up the steps and into the school it was like transformed into this big ballroom and my parents were all like, "congrats." and there were all these other parents and kids so I guess I was graduating.. and after I did Evan was standing on the dance floor and I walked up to him and he said, "can we dance??" and I smiled "yeahh" and so we did... and it was close haha.The day after I was just in school and everything was back to normal, I was still talking to him and stuff like that.. :D

Happy Thanksgiving. :)

2011-11-24T20:07:00.000-08:00

Did you eat enough turkey?
I sure did.

It's easy to say that I'm just thankful for everything. :)
Mom, Dad, friends, food, shelter, big sister, family, animals, etc. :)
Earlier I went outside with my dog and just watched the sun set. It was real cold but I'd rather stay out there than be stuck in my house. :/
Tomorrow's black friday and I'm not going anywhere haha.
All I want to do is take pictures and make sims. XD
And blog, but you already know that.

No pressure...

2011-11-22T20:58:00.000-08:00

I just finished my Chemistry essay. Basically bullshitting the whole thing. Now I can sleep.
I'm just scared that my mom might not let me stay home tomorrow. School is such a nightmare.

"High school, it's just a blip in your timeline. Don't get stuck there."

I would leave if I could, but no. I have to grow up like all the others and become a slave for love and money and happiness. Why does school have to be so important to us? Knowing that I've wasted a number of years in school. What is this setting me up for? Death. We all die anyway.

Ahh, the days when just my heart hurts...

Bang Bang by Armchair Cyanide

2011-11-21T19:08:00.000-08:00

I swear that song is the sexiest song I have ever heard.I advise you to go check it out.

Lately I have been getting into a show, American Horror Story. It's just so good and the characters are put together so freaking well! I can't stop watching it.
Last month I got into wicca. It seriously felt so right. Who wouldn't want to be a wiccan?
I almost became an athiest, but then I read about wicca and how they (wiccans) actually don't really, I guess, believe in a guy up in the sky creating bullshit. I knew the one thing I would never be is a Christian. I'm sorry, but I just don't understand how the bible works...

Anyway, I'm in love with Evanescence's new album, it gives me goosebumps.
Man, I miss this site. I hope I use it a lot more than I did last time.

Dear Diary,

2011-11-20T17:21:00.000-08:00

I always thought life was worth living, But if everything is going to disappoint me, then what's the fucking point? Everything is just getting worse.
I wonder what I'd be like if I had a boyfriend. Probably even more of a wreck. I'd always try and not mess anything up. I want a boyfriend but I don't think I need/deserve one...

So moody

2011-11-10T15:36:00.000-08:00

Today was a sad day. I sat down in art and got the idea of maybe doing a self-portrait and got a real good look at myself. Pimples and all. :(

6:40am

2011-11-09T03:42:00.000-08:00

It's the morning and I'm "ready" for school.

Who am I kidding? I'm never ready for school.

Hello all.

2011-11-08T14:45:00.000-08:00

I'm monique.
I'm not new to this site, but I barely used it when I had my old account up.
Hopefully I will use this one more than the last. ;)